Monday, January 9, 2012

Horoscopes Fri Jan 6-Fri Jan 13

Aries (March 21-April 19): "No," said Aries actor William Shatner, "I don't regret anything at this point. That may change on the next phone call, but at the moment, I don't regret anything." (Aside, to his secretary) "Hold all my calls." Follow Shatner's lead this week Aries, and we'll regret nothing at week's end too.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): There's a follower of Buddhism who allows himself to own no more than 100 items. Sounds like a lot, 'til we read this includes every fork, pen, and toothbrush Taurus. We're feeling like this guy has moved in with us this week as our stuff collides with someone else's empty space. Stars say, compromise is possible, but one of our 20 teddy bears will have to go.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): "Money is something you've got to make in case you don't die," says Max Asnas. Death and money are on our mind this week Gem. Which means that we're either buying life insurance or someone's got to figure out what to do with the dead goldfish, and whether it's worth it to buy another.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): "Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra," says Simpson's creator Max Groenig. "Suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the weasels come." A partnership shows its intense side this week Cancer. Stars say stay off of snowmobiles and it may even turn out exciting.

Leo (July 23-August-22): A famous study shows that given the chance to split a free pot of money unevenly or get nothing--the average person will choose nothing rather than see someone else get more. Stars say we'll be asked to compromise this week Leo. Here's our chance to prove we're above average, just like we're always saying we are.

Virgo (August 23-Sept 23): "At my lemonade stand, I used to give away the first glass for free, and charge five dollars for the second glass," says Emo Phillips. "The second glass contained the antidote." We're getting business advice from young people this week Virgo. Just remember we don't have the cuteness factor to help us get away with what a 4 year old can.

Libra (Sept 24-Oct 22): "Create like a god," advised artist Constantin Brancusi, "command like a king, work like a slave." Stars give us an extra helping of creative and commanding juices this week Libra. As a bonus prize, they're even throwing in the need to work like the slave thing.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): "We cannot solve our problems," said Albert Einstein, "with the same thinking we used when we created them." Well, that's a problem is what we think Scorpio. Stars say this week we're offered a choice between keeping an opinion, or keeping the problem.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): It's been said that the American attitude towards financial planning is to obsess we're going to the poor house one day and the next day buy a new automobile. Stars say that for financial security, pretend we're a German this week Sadge.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): All religions are the same," says Cathy Ladman. "Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays." We're going to feel guilty for something this week Cappy, but no worries--our sources say the man in the mirror will accept our apology.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): May your home be too small to hold all of your friends, goes an Irish proverb. Something about our space is feeling cramped these days Aquarius. Which means we've either got to upgrade to larger quarters, or get the party guests to leave.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): Never place friendship above profit, say the Ferengi, Star-Trek's race of ├╝ber-capitalist aliens. It could be a friend is costing us money this week Pisces, but more likely the other way around. Next year make sure the gift bottle of wine is still full before handing it over to the party hosts. What, we think they haven't noticed?