Thursday, December 22, 2011

Horoscopes Fri Dec 23-Fri Dec 30

Aries (March 21-April 19): "Pay no attention to your critics," said movie mogul Sam Goldwyn. "Don't even ignore them." Works in most cases, but if the criticism is coming from our boss Aries, it's probably better to at least pretend we care.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): We get sucked up into a flash mob of naked Christmas carolers this week Taurus. That, or we're suddenly inspired to random acts of love or art. Stars say let our creative juices flow, or prepare a response when our mother sees the flash mob YouTube video.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Stars say that after all the gifts are opened we may be caught looking around for more Gem. Just don't let Santa see us doing so, or we're likely to be put on his "greedy," list. It's like the "naughty" list but without the risque fun side.

Cancer (June 22-July 22): "Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife," wrote Jean Rostand, "she has thought much worse things about you." We're not exactly getting the accolades we feel we deserve from a partner this week Cancer. Stars say this is what happens when we base family expectations on reruns of The Waltons.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): "Santa Claus has the right idea," notes Victor Borges, "visit people once a year." Borge wrote that after a week like the one we'll have Leo. Stars say, eh, company reminds us that the people we live with aren't so bad after all.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): "Feeling gratitude and not expressing it," wrote William Arthur Ward, "is like wrapping a present and not giving it." Obviously Ward doesn't obsess over wrapping his gifts just so the way we do Virgo. Stars say we're obsessed with a creative project this week--always a dangerous thing to do when one has scissors in their hand.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): "Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes," says Scott Adams. "Art is knowing which ones to keep." Deciding which mistakes to keep is this week's task Libra. And this makes this week different from all the others how, exactly?

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): Stars say we've the power to be tremendously creative, or scathingly critical this week Scorpio. What we want to know is why so few people recognize that our criticism is tremendously creative.

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): "Once you have their money," say the Ferengi, Star-Trek's race of über-capitalist aliens, "you never give it back." We thought we'd be able to stop saying this when we quit working retail Sadge. Stars say other people's money is an object of contention this week. It'll probably come down to who gets to that $20 laying on the department store floor first.

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): "Be at war with your vices, at peace with your neighbors, and may each new year find you a better man," said Capricorn Ben Franklin. Stars say we can either channel this week's energy into ideas about how to improve ourselves, or tell others where their outstanding faults lay Cappy. Keep in mind that criticizing the mall Santa won't win us any brownie points.

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): We're struck with sudden desire to beautify our home this week Aquarius. What we consider aesthetically pleasing may not meet the common standard, but what the heck--every block needs one house painted with purple glitter.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): Friends talk us into getting out of our own little world this week Pisces. But we'll be left making chit chat with strangers all on our own. Stars say, quit whining and be glad we got invited to the party. We didn't really want to spend Christmas with all our rescue cats again, did we?

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Mercury direct Equine Astrology

Tuesday, Dec 13 Equine Astrology TOD:
The Lone Ranger is captured by a War Party. The chief says, "We're going to kill you in 3 days, but you've been a worthy opponent so first I'll grant you three wishes." Lone Ranger says, I'd like to speak to my horse. Silver is brought forward, Lone Ranger whispers in his ear, Silver gallops away and returns with a gorgeous woman who stays in Lone Ranger's teepee all night.

Chief says, "That's a really impressive horse you have there, but we're still going to kill you in 2 days. What's your second wish?" Again the Lone Ranger says, "I'd like to speak to my horse." Silver is produced, Lone Ranger whispers in his ear, Silver gallops away and returns with a woman even more beautiful than the first. She too spends the night with the Ranger.

Chief says, "I have to say, you have the smartest and most loyal horse I've ever seen. But I'm still going to kill you in a day. What's your third wish?" Lone Ranger says, I'd like to speak to my horse--alone! Chief agrees, Silver is sent into the teepee, Lone Ranger grabs his ears, looks him in the face and says, "Listen very carefully: I said, "BRING POSSE!"

Stars say, everyone wants to talk today but no one wants to listen. Riding and other endeavors will go better if we listen now, talk later.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Horoscopes, Fri Dec 9-Fri Dec 16

Aries (March 21-April 19): "One can miss the boat," says Daniel Behrman, "just by turning up too soon." We're in such a hurry not to miss out on anything that we're at risk of missing it all this week Aries. Stars say slow down and focus, or we may find a bus that won't miss us.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): "Expand or die," say the Ferengi, Star-Trek's race of über-capitalist aliens. Stars say it's time to expand our expectations Taurus. What we want to know is does this mean we can add just one more thing to our Santa list? That depends on whether we can find the end of the list before Christmas.

Gemini (May 21-June 21): "I decided that when I go, I'm going to have them bury me in my four wheel drive truck," said a four wheeling enthusiast, "because I've never been in a hole it couldn't get out of." We find ourselves needing to get out of a pit of our own making this week Gem. Hopefully we won't be hearing that other four-wheeler saying, "The thing about four wheel drive trucks; when they're stuck, they're stuck."

Cancer (June 22-July 22): A few years ago a city in Italy barred pet owners from keeping goldfish in glass bowls. It's cruel, the city council argued, to give the fish "a distorted view of reality." We're being asked to give up a skewed view of the truth Cancer. All we know is that next life we're going to be more sympathetic to fish.

Leo (July 23-Aug 22): "Contrary to everything you will read about Thoreau," says biographer Robert Sullivan, "he did not hate New York City." Contrary to everything our friends say about us Leo, we do not actually hate the things we told them we hate. Stars say when they see us hanging out with the object of our dismissal, they won't call us on it--they'll post the picture on Facebook instead.

Virgo (Aug 23-Sept 22): We're finally getting the attention we've always thought we deserve Virgo. Which means that if the week sucks, we need to work on what kind of attention we think we deserve. It's the same problem Cinderella had before she raised her expectations.

Libra (Sept 23-Oct 22): "For by your words you will be justified," goes a passage from Matthew in the Bible, "and by your words you will be condemned." We get what we talk about this week Libra. Which means talk about what we want, avoid mentioning what we don't want, and plead the Fifth to all other questions.

Scorpio (Oct 23-Nov 21): The gods only laugh when people ask them for money," goes a Japanese proverb. Friends don't usually laugh when we ask them for money though. Sometimes they also ask for it back. This week may be one of those times Scorpio. What we want to know is does "the dog ate it," work in this situation?

Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Our plate is fuller than it's been in awhile Sadge. Which is why we're at risk of biting off more than we can chew. Stars say practice moderation or risk irritating the Powers That Be. What we want to know is does this mean we can buy that fancy creche display, to remind us of the reason for the season?

Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): The Stoic sage Epictetus said that to be assured of happiness practice hardship periodically; for instance, ride the bus on a cold day even if we own a car, eat mac and cheese even if we can afford Lobster Alfredo. Stars say it's a great week to get on a bus and go find a box of mac and cheese Cappy. We like perspective, right?

Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): "I prefer dead writers," says Fran Lebowitz, "because you don't run into them at parties." We run into an old friend this week Aquarius. Stars say whatever we do, don't ask them to comment on a personal project or we'll discover why they had to come back into our life, instead of remaining already there.

Pisces (Feb 19-March 20): In politics, it is said, the problem is never the crime, it's the cover up. That's our problem exactly this week Pisces. A detail we've neglected comes back to haunt us. Like Ebenezer Scrooge we've still got time to fix the problem before things go to hell in a handbasket.