ARIES (Mar 21-April 19): Our life seems to be stuck in reverse right now Aries. We may as well take advantage of the backwards momentum and encourage reversals ourselves; write Hershey’s and tell them to go back to the foil wrapped Hershey bar. Unwrapping one used to be like opening a present, and now it’s like any other candy bar.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20): “You are what you eat,” has never been truer than right now, especially for you Taurus. Eating a good, wholesome diet is recommended because no one wants to be disodium guanylate.
GEMINI (May 21-June 20): “Latinum lasts longer than lust,” say the Ferengi, Star-Trek’s race of über-capitalist aliens. The financial potential of a partner stirs passion Gem. Only we can decide if their habit of clipping coupons while sitting in the bathroom is a good thing or just, eww.
CANCER (June 21-July 22): Stars say getting out of the house may be the best way to keep peace at home Cancer. What’re the odds the local sports bar is showing reruns of “The Waltons.” (That is what we were going to watch, right?)
LEO (July 23-Aug 22): Bibliopedestrianism is the art of reading while walking. We should not practice this art at this time Leo. We may walk and chew gum at the same time--especially as this might keep us from talking, which is another activity currently discouraged.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22): Money matters are stuck in reverse Virgo. The good news is we’ll probably not notice due to sudden changes in the direction of our love life. Stars advise patience and staying away from Las Vegas casinos and chapels.
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22): There’s an African proverb that says it is a mistake to flee from a roaring lion towards a crouching lion. Seems like it’d be easier to advise just avoiding lions all together. Stars say watch out for fangs and claws-especially our own.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21): “The Twilight Zone,” had many episodes involving people who’d escaped the need to encounter other people--and they never ended well for the protagonist. We can actually get away with being a bit of a hermit right now Scorpio. If we hear Rod Sterling’s voice in the background though, join up with a crowd as quickly as possible.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21): Park Rangers at Mt. Zion National Park quip that all it takes to be a ranger there is knowing the answer to three questions: Where’s the restroom? How far is it to Las Vegas? What’s the fastest way out of here? A higher vision seems to be colliding with reality Sadge. Hey, it beats getting eaten by a bear.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19): Stars say avoid fights with authority figures Cappy. If we’re unsure whether certain people are an “authority figure” in our life, go ahead and fight with them. If we lose, they are.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18): John Stuart Mill once said of philosophical debates that both sides tended to be “in the right in what they affirmed, though in the wrong in what they denied.” We’d tell you the key to peace is keeping Mill’s words in mind, but it’s probably more like staying out of philosophical debates altogether Aquarius.
PISCES (Feb 19-March 20): It’s been said that we save more money by saying “no” than by saying yes. It’s good advice for this period of time Pisces, but if we run into any Girl Scouts, forget astrology and just by the dang cookies.
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